Do you ever wonder why you are choosing this path on the journey of conception? I mean, none of us are here because we "chose" to bring infertility into our lives, I get that. But, why are you choosing THIS particular path - ART treatments? I know that there are happy endings. I work with an IF who is 2 months away from her happy ending. Fellow blogger sisters are on their way. I know it's possible.
But. I'm. Really. Scared.
Does anyone follow Niki at My Journey to Myles and Beyond? Her world is falling apart. She said she's been through tougher times. But. What. The. Fuck? I can't get her out of my head. I can't get all of this out of my head. I cannot even begin to imagine the absolute devastation my DH and I would feel if I finally conceived and then miscarried. Or worse. I'm so scared that I'd never recover from that pain. Scared enough that I think this might be my last attempt using IVF.
How many times will we put ourselves in harm's way? I thought that I'd go to the ends of the earth to have my own child, but I just don't know anymore. I think the hurt is becoming too big for me. I've heard the adoption process has its own difficulties, but maybe that's the way to go. Adoption was never my first choice, because I've always been afraid that the baby won't feel like mine. And I want so badly to know what it feels like to have a baby inside of me.
But. I'm. Really. Really. Scared.
Who says, "this too shall pass?" Is it in the Bible or something? Anyway, I know that these feelings will pass just like they always do, but for tonight, my heart is breaking for Niki and for all of my sisters who have yet to get their happy ending.
Consumption 15
9 hours ago
Niki's story is just so heartbreaking!
ReplyDeleteI'm scared too. Sometimes I wonder why we chose to go down the path of ART, and why wasn't adoption a route of choice for us right in the beginning - I'll never know.
I know you're scared - but know that we're all here with you. Like you said, there have been happy endings - let's hope for happy endings for all of us.
Aw, I'm sad that you're sad. I've often thought that maybe I'm not conceiving for some Divine reason. But a friend of mine told me one time that she didn't think that God would put the desire to be a mother in your heart if it wasn't meant to be. This person had IF too, and she adopted 2 sons. She said that she feels like she couldn't conceive because God knew that her "son" needed her.
ReplyDeleteI think she had a good point. I am not the best Christian example, and I have definitely been questioning God's "plan" for me. But I think she was right about not having the desire if it wasn't meant to be in some way.
I don't know Nikki's story, but I don't think you should give up yet. A friend of mine at work was IF due to endometriosis, and she put herself on an adoption list while she was TTC thru ART. She said it made her feel a little better because she felt like she was at least doing SOMETHING, you know? She ended up conceiving shortly after, so she didn't need to adopt.
Don't give up. I'll be thinking about you.
I found Niki's blog a few hours ago and watched her tribute to Myles. Heartbreaking. And then for her to get another late loss. My heart is breaking for her.
ReplyDeleteI am with you Erica. I hope neither of us ever goes through a misscarriage. I hope we are one of the lucky ones who gets a miracle.
I wish you a healthy baby with this cycle so you don't have to decide to stop or not. ((((HUGS))))
Yes, it is scary! It is scary to love, just like we love our husbands but that too is risky...
ReplyDelete((hugs))
makingmemom.blogspot.com
Hi Erica, my heart has been breaking all day for Niki. I can't get her out of my head either and I can't imagine the pain she is going through. I don't think that I could live through it. It makes me scared that my hopes and dreams of having a baby are going to turn into a nightmare.
ReplyDeleteI think you just have to take each day as it comes. My friend has been through 6 miscarriages trying to have her second IVF baby. Sometimes she feels she will give up, but then she finds the strength to continue again.
I guess we just have to learn to take baby steps and focus on getting through one day at a time.
I don't like that your sad, Erica.....it makes me sad too. I can completely relate. I've been scared every step of IF...from the first diagnosis to the HSG to the first needle poke. I don't know what's it's like not to be scared anymore.
ReplyDeleteI have to believe there is a happy ending at the end of this. For all of us...
I completely understand where you are coming from. I envy the people who can just get pregnant and enjoy being pregnant without the constant fear that something will happen, that the rug will be pulled out from underneath them.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say as someone who has experienced a miscarriage, somedays you don't feel like going forward. Somedays you just want to give up and let the pain swallow you into a deep, dark hole. But day by day your heart starts to heal, and somehow you make it to the other end of the dark tunnel, and your will to try again becomes stronger and stronger. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby, but I also look to the future to the hope that I have to carry with me that 1)I will eventually have a baby that will carry the spirit of both my babies, and 2)I will see my baby again in heaven.
I'm sorry if this was depressing, I didn't mean for it to take that direction. Our loss anniversary is coming up this weekend, so it kind of turned a little dark, and I apologize.
Back to my original point...follow your heart, and follow your dreams. Our hearts are a lot stronger than we give them credit for...just take it one day at a time. Good luck and know that you have a lot of friends (even though you've never met them) that will be here through good times and bad. You aren't alone in this :)
Hi Erica, Hang in there! Being scared is so normal during this whole process. Having had 3 losses now, I can tell you when I started this journey, I would have never believed that I would have 3 losses and KEEP trying, but here I am. The first one tore out my hear, but as another commenter above said, slowly you start to heal. I am scared of another loss.....but I am MORE scared of giving up and regretting it the rest of my life. I do think everyone's journey is different and everyone has to make their own decisions....follow your heart, it will take you where you need to go.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
Scared is right. I know the feeling all too well.
ReplyDeleteLoss, unfortunately, happens all too often in this community. It doesn't get easier to see it over and over. It gets harder and harder. And contributes to that feeling of being scared.
There is a very interesting piece in Exhale magazine (online) that this post reminded me of--something about thinking that we could never be able to handle other people's grief. You should check it out.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you feel so scared. I think that means that this matters a lot to you. Many, many hugs.
I just read Nikki's blog so scary.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs!
Just a heads up... my face.boo.k went psycho, and decided to invite people through my gmail invite. Ignore the stupid invite I just sent, if you got one.
ReplyDeleteIF is hard and sucks a great deal of the time. :( *hugs*
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