Diary Of a Mad White Woman!

Bloodwork this morning - results in another day. Started BCPs tonight. Hip hip!

I finally have a plan of attack, but am smart enough to know that any number of things can arise that might prevent the retrieval - tentatively scheduled for the week of April 13th, by the way. Hell, any number of things can happen even if I am fortunate enough to get a BFP. Will I ever feel comfortable with MY fertility? I can't help but wonder.

I've read so many stories on so many blogs and although I find comfort and hope in the strength portrayed by these countless women, I can't help but feel more uncertain about my own future. Will I ever conceive? Will I miscarry? Will I lose a child soon after delivery? Will I adopt? Will I ever be the same? Will I find a surrogate? Will I have a healthy baby, twins, TRIPLETS? Will I lose my mind? I need to try not to go there, I know, I know.

I really despise when I start to feel envy bubbling up inside of me like a bad case of indigestion, but that's what I've got going on right now. Envy mixed with a side of rage. Actually it's been there for weeks. I've tried to squish it down, think good thoughts but...Lookout! A mood swing has just reared its ugly head, right in the middle of my post. Have you ever noticed how often pregnant people complain about their symptoms? They act like pregnancy is a goddamn disease, an illness that they have to "put up with" for 9 months. My SIL is so tired all the time. My friend, F, feels so fat and her boobs are so huge. She just can't take it. Are you really complaining about your boobs to barely B me? You are? You suck! F's newly pregnant sister, J, wrote on her facebook update, "J. doesn't understand why anyone would EVER do this a second time." Of course not, J. You're a fucking idiot!

I can accept that these blessed and lucky women have symptoms. I understand that I'm not part of their "club" yet, so maybe I can't completely sympathize. But you know what? I CAN'T accept that they have the audacity to complain about their PREGNANCY symptoms in front of ME!!!!!!!!! I'm working harder than any of them could ever imagine with NO GUARANTEES just so that I can hopefully puke everyday, have sore tits, get a huge ass, swollen fingers, and ankles, suffer from insomnia, be sickened by smells, and cry at commercials! Oh yes, all of these have been complaints that I've had to endure, even the last one. That one was explained during a baby shower. You see, mommy-to-be has to leave the room every time a sad commercial comes on...it's just so tough for her to watch them! Then came the obnoxious, "don't you just feel so sorry for me" look. No, I don't. Asshole.

I didn't mean for this post to become so nasty. I wasn't even fully aware that I was feeling this way tonight. Quite frankly though, I'm already feeling better because I know that if I ever do become pregnant, I'll never be ignorant enough to waaah, waaah, waaah to anyone for three reasons.

1. I may not know what they're going through and wouldn't want to cause more pain.
2. I'm smart enough to realize that outside of my mother, sister, or grandmother, no one else gives a shit.
3. I'll be too busy down on my goddamn hands and knees thanking God, the Universe, Allah, the Earth, Moon, Sun, Stars, Whatever that my body is able to CARRY a child and feel its fullest potential!

Damn you, pregnant complainers! Shame on you all!