I've finally cracked. I'm broken and I will never be the same.
My friend, H, sent out another baby update today. This time she included pictures of her belly at 12 weeks and 16 weeks. She said she felt the baby kick and it felt amazing. I snapped. That was it. That was the hair that finally broke the camel's back. I decided to address it. I wrote her an email and told her how painful it was to read her updates. My husband said it was belittling (sp?). I told her that I didn't blame her for sending it totally - after all, she's deliriously happy. But I blamed her a little bit. For being a friend that knows of my struggles and for being a woman who didn't think that her "news" would upset me. I sent it and felt relieved.
Then I got her response.
She reminded me that I've always told her to "include me with everything. Don't leave me out because of my situation." And dammit, she was right. I DID totally tell her that. Like most infertiles, I tell everyone that same bullshit line. Like somehow I expect people to read what's really going on inside of me. I've since sent an apology email and text. No word yet. Oh well. What difference does that really make now? The cat's out of the bag on how I really feel.
Huge fight ensued with husband. IF is all I talk about. I need to stay strong. I am being irrational. I don't want to be near anyone who isn't infertile. blah blah blah. I threw some shit, ruined the dinner I had cooking, and slammed every door in the house. I went upstairs and cried and cried. Then I took a bath. I lit some candles. Temper tantrum has ended and there is nothing left. Everything he said was true. I've become ugly. My thoughts are evil and I'm totally, utterly, completely broken.
I don't know why I can't accept this. I never will. Never. I spout out all this shit that I don't believe. 'I'll be a mother one way or another and then it won't matter.' But it will. I'm afraid that if I don't experience carrying and delivering my own child, a part of me will die and I will be forever changed. I know I'll be forever changed and my life will always be a little sadder.
Right now, this pain is too much to bear. I want to feel nothing.
Making Bets
1 week ago
Oh my. I am so sorry. And am sending big hugs. I know how you feel. And you know, I'm so afraid that I'll be so irrevocably changed by this, that it will affect my ability to be a good parent. Know that you are not alone. =(
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think having the outbursts helps. The pressure has to escape somehow. It's unfortunate that it escapes all over the people we love. Don't be too hard on yourself. Do what you have to do to relax and get through this.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, HUGS! I am so sorry about the fight with DH. As I was reading, I kept being reminded how much IF sucks! Email me if you ever want to talk theunfairstruggle AT gmail DOT com.
ReplyDeleteHUGS again!
Hi Erica,
ReplyDeleteI know how bad it feels to receive baby updates from other people. It is beyond painful sometimes - it can be pure torture. I am not surpised that it made you feel so awful.
IF is the most horrible thing to go through. I have been told that it won't last forever, even though it feels like it.
There are times when we stay strong, and times when we fall to pieces. It's OK to feel that way.
I hope that you have a good sleep and can focus on doing some nice things for yourself. Look at your beautiful ring...the one DH gave you as a reminder that you can get through this.
We're here for you anytime.
Hugs to you. Nothing in what you're feeling is unusual or wrong. Nothing at all. We've all been there. Heck, some of us (me) live in that place permanently. I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now.
ReplyDeleteTill you can see the light and feel strong again, I'm here with you. Hugs to you.
As strange as it may be, what you think and feel are valid, really! We have good days and bad days and some really low days. I understand and I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now. It totally sucks when people we know have babies and want to share. I have made a habit of really not asking anything from the beginning and so then I never hear anything. Some people just totally ignore me, some family but it has been a while since we were close anyways. IF bites. Hugs To You!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you and your husband had an argument. Those are never fun, and you wish on some level that our partners in this battle really understood what it is like to be in our shoes. Even though they go through the motions with us, they never truly understand what it is like to be a woman.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Nikki, nothing you said or did was wrong. You have every right to feel the way you feel, even if it contradicts what you previously said. I don't know a single person that feels exactly the same from day to day. I've totally been (and travel frequently to) where you are right now. Just remember you are a strong, beautiful woman. Sending you lots of hugs!!!
~H
Sometimes it seems like we're all just living the same life, really. My husband hasn't said anything, but I can tell that he's thinking it just the same.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to hit bottom. After that, you can only go up.
Erica, I'm sorry for the horrible evening. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry your infertile, and that it is hard on your friendships and marriage. It's just plain tough. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI agree with what several of the previous posters have said... it's ok to feel what you are feeling, and it's necessary to let it out. Sometimes it can be surprising to our loved ones when it does come out, because we get good at hiding our pain, and they don't know how to handle it. In calmer moments, it might be helpful to talk to your husband, to remind him that this pain is something that affects how you see yourself on a basic level, and that's why it's so damn intense. I hope things get better soon for you.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks, Erica. I'm glad that you got it out though. Keeping all of that in is simply crazy making.
ReplyDeleteI hope today is a brighter.
I know that you don't know me (I have landed here through ICLW) and so there is no reason why anything I say should bare any relevance to your life so ignore at will BUT...
ReplyDeleteMy experience has been that in the toughest of situations, you HAVE to hit rock bottom before you can start rebuilding. It is only by hitting this horrible place that all the dmaging things can come out, for other people and for you.
I think that this is your rock bottom and that it may not seem like it right now, but this is where you start to rebuild a life where your husband and friends feel purged because you know how the felt in the moment (because we all change how we feel ALL the time) and in return they know how deeply you hurt.
It does get better and you will get there because that is the only option you have ;-)
All the best
VP
VP
E - I am so sorry. I feel the same way most of the time. One of my good friends is pregnant too and I have had a hard time not doing what you did because, like you, I told her to treat me the same. Real friends work that stuff out - she may need some space - after all, her hormones are out of whack too. Maybe send her some flowers if it is a friendship you want to remain invested in? Sorry for the assvice.
ReplyDeleteIF is a sad, lonely place and I hate it too. I hate who I have become. I am going to try not to hate who I will be but I really do not know where I am going most days.
((HUGS))
I think it really says something positive about your personality that you were able to back up and apologize to her. Her feelings may be hurt for the time being, but hopefully she'll come around eventually.
ReplyDeleteI just got my husband a card that says "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end." This whole process sucks, sucks, sucks. It's okay that you feel like crap- just hang in there. Hopefully it will pass and it will be sooner rather than later!!!!
I'm so sorry Erica. I have had several moments where I realize I will never be the same again. IF really sucks. I know you told your friend you wanted to know everything but she didn't have to give you that much detail. I may tell a very sick friend that I went away for a weekend (or some other thing that maybe she can't do) but I don't think I would get into details about going to a doctor and getting a 5 star health report and how awesome it is to be so healthy. KWIM? There shous be some common sense.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this sucks so bad. You apologized right after and it's up to her now. She should be sensitive to your situation. And DHs don't get it like we do. They want us back to the way we use to be. They want to find a solution but they can't and they get frustrated. Hang in there. (((HUGS))
Erica, don't be too hard on yourself. We would have to be saints not to sometimes feel bitter and downright furious over the cards we are dealt. Luckily, your DH loves you, and like mine forgives the insanity and outbursts (I had a little one last night too and DH told me I'm crazy, but he let it go). Your true friends will try to understand what this must be like and will do the same. We all have meltdowns and I think those are necessary in order to continue. It's so hard, but we all understand how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry.
ReplyDeleteOur feelings do not have to be rational. You are grieving.
I am so sorry that today is so hard. Thank you for the support you give me.
came over from the roundup to offer my support. this post is so raw, so real and true. you are perfectly entitled to these feelings. it is completely natural to feel this way. one of the hardest side effects of infertility is that we tend not to like the people we become when we're broken down by all the pain and anguish. it is so isolating and alienating.
ReplyDeletewishing you much strength.
My God Erica - I can't tell you how many times I have had the SAME exact feelings, SAME conversations and Same dose of eating crow. Please just know that if this friend REALLY is a friend, she will understand, sure she may be a little confused right now, but in the end she will know that you are just as confused. I have done the same thing so many times. On one hand, I don't want to be tip-toed around, I want my friends and my sisters to share their pregnancies with me, but on the other hand I find it painful and sometimes cruel. It is a very fine line and I have NO IDEA how to gracefully walk that line. I am praying for you, I am thinking of you and sending you huge Cyber-hugs!
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry you've hit that brick wall. Those feelings and the fight are a terribly hard combination of things to deal with. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteI came over from LFCA. Your behavior all sounds perfectly reasonable to me, every bit of it. I'm sorry that you are feeling as you are, but neither the feelings nor the behavior strike me as unreasonable...
ReplyDeleteYou're not evil, and your feelings aren't ugly. You're in pain. That's the bottom line.You're suffering. This is only ugly and bad to people who refuse to accept how much you are hurting right now.
ReplyDeleteAnd believe me, I've been there: the argument, the explosion of temper. It's all very understandable.
I'm with Darya! I think it is great to ask to continue to be involved in her life celebrations but that doesn't mean she can't present things differently for you. However, she probably didn't know what you meant or how it really feels.
ReplyDeleteThis process sucks. I call it a process because I think there is a path and a beginning and an end. The thought that there is an end makes me live another day. Like you, I don't think I'll come out of this in the same shape as I went in. I also know that when I get my kid through whatever method. I have a couple of years before they can ask me questions about things. So i have time to grow and heal myself somewhat before I have to go make my children feel good about it. :-) and you have us to listen to you. every. step. of. the. way.
oh... and DH can't dictate or just how you survive/weather this storm. He isn't a professional grief counselor, i don't think. You gotta do what you gotta do. If you need space to feel this pain, face this pain, discuss and dissect this pain, or share with others in the same space, then go for it. He needs to back off and let you do what you need to survive. I don't know why people think they need to manage your experience or tell you how to deal. If you didn't ask, their assvice is just that.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I need to find a counselor of my own.
I just found your blog through my friend Mamasoon! I KNOW exactly how you feel. I just went through a similiar situation with 2 different friends. You are right, I think our friends should know how to approach the situation with us vs. a fertile friend. Sorry that things with your DH are stressful. I am a pro at temper tamtrums! Did you ever see Veruca from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory...well sometimes I need to remind myself not to act like her. Then I remember all the crap I have been through and I allow myself. Take care and hugs!
ReplyDeleteEverything you're going through is normal and quite understandable. Friendships can be lost, relationships can be damaged - IF can sneak its way into all areas of your life. Having said that, all the fear, rage, disappointment, heartache, resentment can change who are you and even realizing that sparks a type of grief inside of you. You will make it through this - but you will never be the same.
ReplyDeleteOh honey! What an awful day...I am sorry. The last paragraph really struck me - brought me to tears. I so feel your pain, I have been there. Hoping today is a better day. HUGS
ReplyDeleteI'm here via the L&F.
ReplyDeleteMan, I just wrote about this. A friend is pregnant...and I'm ON THE OTHER SIDE with kids who are 15 and 22 months and I'm STILL not taking it well.
I think that infertility changes you, and esp before becoming a parent, it's just so HARD to find joy in others having the one thing that you want SO BADLY. And it's not liek you want their car....you want a CHILD, a FAMILY. It's awful. It's ugly and awful.
I hope that you find some peace this weekend and that your friend comes around.
Hey. Don't beat yourself up about blowing up about this. Anyone with half a brain should be able try to put herself in your shoes and accept your apology. This will sound stupid, but in my opinion, IF's have a very good excuse to be neurotic and I take advantage of that daily. :) You responded to her gushing behavior just as appropriately as any of us would. I think things will be okay in a little while when she cools off. As wonderful as our DH's are, they will never understand. Love you, and hang in there. We're here for you.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with your feelings and having them - you are human, dealing with some really inhuman stuff.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that it gets painful and ugly at times.
{{hugs}}
There will be better days ahead - they may not be when or how you expect them, but there are always better days ahead. I hope they show up soon for you.
I think it says a lot about the kind of person and friend you are that you immediately apologized. I hope she realizes that. Realistically - somedays are going to be easier than others to deal with the pregnancies and pictures and updates from others, and other days are just going to be beastly difficult.
OMG it is like you just reached into my head. I do the same things, say the same things but really feel like it is not ok. It is not ok that I can't have a child of my own. It's not ok that I keep miscarrying. It's not ok that it seems like everyone else on the planet is pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. And then you feel this and then feel guilty about it which makes things worse. It drives me insane. I think that is what is one of the toughest things about IF is that it makes you do, think, and say things that you would not normally do. The worst part about it is I never know when it is going to happen. When I will snap because sometimes the info is fine to receive and other times not so much.
All I can say is hang in there...you are not alone. ((HUGS))
Oh sweetie, I think you are feeling the same way we are all feeling right now. We want to be a part of our friends lives and share their joys but it is also so heartbreaking. I have lost many friends over this, and I feel like I am losing my brother's gf over this. My husband understands to a point and that frustrates me as well.
ReplyDeleteFunny that you teach 5th grade Reading and Writing because I teach the exact subjects but 6th grade!
I have had similar fights with my husband. It may be a good thing that you have "cracked" so to speak. Let it out. I'm sorry for your pain.
ReplyDeleteHere from the round up. I wish I could hug you. I suck at commenting, and the words never come out right, but I really hope you know that there are many women out here pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteMeltdowns bedamned... we're here for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
ReplyDeleteDitto what others have said! Meltdowns happen, and IF bites big time. It hurts, and seeing or hearing about pregnancie is brutal. I was really impressed with your self-reflection, though. Not many people can listen to others and admit they made a mistake. Let alone twice and while dealing with something so awful as IF!
The only thing that we can do: Cry, cry, cry, get the pain out, and then get up and move on. It's cruel, but true.
That, and know that there are lots of people out here hoping for us!
ICLW
It just sucks so bad. Came over from the stirrup queen's roundup. I can so relate to this post - I don't know anybody experiencing infertility for whom it did not become, at some point, all-consuming - although I think women feel it differently than men. And of course you don't want to feel left out or excluded from you friend's life, but *at the same time* being part of her life in the way she knows how to include you (the only way she knows how, unfortunately) is incredibly painful to you. Oh it hurts so bad. I hope that the venting helped, and that you can wake up in the morning feeling better at least with DH, and that he can understand a bit where you're at.
ReplyDeleteI'm here from iclw. Hugs to you. Having dealt, for 3 yrs with mfi also, I have had so many similar moments. Feel what you need to feel. It is a sucky situation. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm here from ICLW... there's nothing I can say that so many others haven't said, I think we all know exactly how you feel and we've all had moments like this.
ReplyDeleteYou need to crack every once in a whole, it's healthy to cray and scream and let it all out. I'm so sorry for your pain and I really hope you're feeling better today. *hugs*
I am where you are and it just sucks.
ReplyDeleteI think we have all felt like this. I know I for sure have.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I will ever except all of this. But I do know we will survive, someway, somehow.
This post could have been written about me. I go in and out of this mindset.... at the moment I'm out of it but feel myself slipping back.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs
You know that we know how you are feeling.
And thanks for stopping by my blog.....
S x
(HUGS) I know how to feel, especially receiving all those updates. I've been having my own struggles with facebook and status updates about my sister's new baby. I don't need all the reminders!
ReplyDeleteI'm here from ICLW and it's nice to meet you!
Found you through ICLW. I am so sorry you are having a rough time with your frind and all your TTC struggles. I understand your longing to carry and deliever a baby, I feel exactly the same way. Hope it happens for you one day
ReplyDeletei really understand what you're going through. i have a friend who's husband was diagnosed with male factor, and they have a 2-year-old son from their first ivf. in january, they "accidentally" got pregnant on their own, and now, she asks me about my ivf and before i can even respond she tells me about her baby kicking and how awesome it is and just how great being pregnant is. you would think that having gone through ivf/infertility she would realize i don't want to hear it!
ReplyDeleteiclw
So sorry...that sucks, and you aren't evil, you aren't abnormal, and other than that, I don't have any words of wisdom, as I just don't know how to deal with this stress very well, either. ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteWe all have breaking points and what some people don't understand is that when you are dealing with these types of issues...issues that are kind of swept under the rug...the stress just builds. It doesn't take much to set it off.
ReplyDeleteI've been there so many times. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDelete