I set out on this "blogging" journey to find peace and acceptance with infertility. However, what I'm finding is that I'm still so full of anger and resentment. I DID finally hear from my sister-in-law, better late than never, and after rereading my girlfriend's baby update email, I'm thinking it wasn't such a big deal. Some days are just much harder than others. :(
Over the weekend, I thought about the title of my blog and how this whole IF thing has a learning curve to it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how many people are struggling to accept their own circumstances, self-inflicted or not. One particular man came to mind. My grandfather, aka Pop.
Growing up, I spent a lot of time at my grandparent's house. I never knew of my Pop's struggles until I was much older, although I did wonder why he had "meetings" 4 or more times a week. He had this picture of himself with a prayer inscribed over it. I can still see it between the bay window and front door, though he and my grandmother haven't lived in that house for years. I remember thinking he was so handsome and wise. The picture had been a gift from a group of people who supported him in ways that only those who understood possibly could. He is an alcoholic and has been sober for over 30 years. While in AA, he learned a great deal and helped others through their darkest hours. I'm so grateful for the experiences he has shared with me in more recent years. The real gift in that photo, he said, is the inscribed prayer that he has tried to live by ever since the day he walked into his first meeting. I imagine he was scared and uncertain of his future, just like me. Yet he went forward and met adversity head on. I admire him so very much.
This is the only prayer that I seem to find any comfort in these days. You've probably heard it.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
~Amen.
I hope each of us has a peaceful week.
Consumption 15
9 hours ago
Thanks for sharing that! It made me smile, and acceptance of where any of us are, is probably the hardest thing to do. My grandpa was "pop" too....and I miss him greatly.
ReplyDeleteThe serentiy is so short and yet it says so much. Glad to hear you waited a few days before responding to the SIL and friend. Sometimes all we need is a few days to mull it over, not that it makes their words sting any less, but we find ourselves in a less angry moment. Great post...
ReplyDeleteHi Erica,
ReplyDeleteYour Grandfather's story is inspiring and heart warming. I am glad that it has given you comfort.
IF is a battle. I too have been through a whole range of emotions. From anger, despair, grief and rage through to optimism and hope. I think it is a difficult thing to accept because the future is unknown. If only I knew whether or not I would have a child, I could then start to accept it. But the uncertainty makes acceptance difficult.
You are doing so well - let it all out. We're here for you!
I have been thinking a lot lately about how stressed I get about things that I have no control over. Thanks for this reminder. (And thanks for the comment on my blog.)
ReplyDeletehi! thanks for stopping by. i think that you will find some of the support you are missing and needing in the blososphere. i starting blogging 2 days after my transfer with my first ivf cycle. i felt so alone. all full of anger and sadness. it has been so good to have a community of people who get it and can offer support in ways i never thought possible. :) sorry you have to be here, too, but welcome!
ReplyDeleteYour grandpa's story is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteSo often I am full of bitterness and anger, it just isn't fair.
Thank you for the reminder of the serenity prayer. It helps. Truly.
Erica- congrats on your 5 year anniversary today! I love Paris too :) and boy moving there would mean I would not have to go to baby showers and baby birthday and such....very tempting. J. actually proposed to me on the Eiffel tour :) a few weeks before Tom cruise proposed to Katie. it was a wonderful trip. we also spent New years eve there not this past year but the year before. It is an awesome city.
ReplyDeleteMarch will be here before you know it!! have a great weekend!