There's a difference between like and love. For example, I love my husband, although I don't like him too much right now. Rant session below.
I've already failed BIG time on my new lifestyle changes. I had a glass of wine tonight while eating chicken parmesan at a restaurant. That may not seem like a big deal, but it sure caused a big fight at home.
DH thinks I can't stick to anything. He thinks I can't control my choices. He thinks I spend too much time reading blogs. He says he doesn't trust me when I'm with my friends. He must obviously think I can't SURVIVE without him!!!
You know what I think? I think he feels the need to control me because he can't control our fertility. I think I could leave right now and not look back. Ever feel that way? Like you wanted to start a new life? One that wasn't so difficult? I seriously could live on an island, or in Paris, BY MYSELF and be at peace.
I feel like I'm trying to make these changes (and they're pretty big lifestyle changes for me) and for what? Sure, eating hormone free meat and dairy is a smart choice, but will it help me to conceive??? I doubt it. For the first year and a half of our TTC journey, I was the ONLY one who made sacrifices. I was the one injected with massive doses of hormones. I was the one having blood drawn daily. I was the one bruising and flipping the f#*k out for no reason. And now I'm the one who slipped up a tiny bit, and I have to incur his judgemental looks and head shakes?!?!? Not to mention, this whole health kick was MY idea in the first place.
Do you know that for like an entire year, my DH never drank anything during the work day except for coffee? He literally would drink a cup of joe in the morning and nothing else until dinner! Do you know that chronic dehydration is a major cause for decreased sperm count? I begged him for months and months to drink lots of water, but did he? Nope. He had no problem watching me go through IUI and IVF cycles while he did NOTHING to help himself or our situation. And do you know what else? He now only drinks about 1-2 glasses of water a day. Oh yeah, did I mention that he works out of our house? There's no excuse for this, none!
Sorry. I just needed to get that out so that I don't put a pillow over his head while he's sleeping. :)
PS - On a positive note, I spoke for awhile with my new acupuncturist today - loving him! My consultation and first treatment will be this Thursday! Think I might be a little tense?
There are so many days when I feel like I could have written this post! Seriously...the pioneers in the reproductive field were so obviously men. How come even when it is MFI, it's still the woman who has to endure the hormones and the blood draws and the wanding and the speculum?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, Erica. What a tough night :( You're not a failure, it takes time to make big changes like that!!
ReplyDeleteAnd fwiw, my DH thinks I spend too much time on blogs, too. Eh.
makingmemom.blogspot.com
arg! i hope that things get better. i definitely don't think that you are a failure!!
ReplyDeleteyou are not a failure, if every time we slipped we failed....boy we would never get anywhere. Hang in there. in.fertility really does a number on us ladies, no matter who is the fertility issue.....we get the "treatment" and I know J. thinks I am on the internet way too much....i say "tough" :)
ReplyDeleteYour DH needs some perspective and to get out of your face. This journey isn't a sprint. You try different things and some things you can do long term and others you can't. You try hard but wine isn't what has all of us girls struggling.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe he needs to understand how much blogging and spending time with us girls, relieves him of the burden of being the only outlet for your feelings. Each minute you spend online is a favor to him.
I spent weeks helping my honey understand how my online friends help me be a better wife. He now gets it. finally.
And, I'm sorry but he needs to but out of what you put in your mouth. You aren't doing drugs or each cheese whiz for every meal. What is he going to do, tell you want to eat every day when you are pregnant. Uh no.
The ONLY way you get through this is TOGETHER. And women carry the brunt of this.
I hope you got through to him and he can find a way to support you even if you aren't following through on each thing.
Okay, dear. A glass of wine is NOT going to hurt your fertility. Think of all those girls that had 10 tequila's and got knocked up in a hotel bathroom and thew up all day the next day, lol. You are fine. Everyone slips. It's good to have a goal, but it's just that, a goal. Not a rule.
ReplyDeleteYour DH and mine sound so similar as well. Take a deep breath and try to resist the urge to lift the pillow:)
;-) enjoy the acupuncture
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like maybe your DH is venting his own frustrations about the infertility on you. It's hard for guys too and they don't have the resources we have nor do they know how to deal with their feelings. I'm not making excuses for him, he shouldn't make this more difficult for you, but I think maybe he is hurting too. Good luck and try not to kill him. ;-)
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