The New Man In My Life

Tonight was my first acupuncture appointment. Immediately upon meeting my eastern medicine guru, JP, I felt at ease. Okay, I can do this. We went through at least 100 health questions, the first one being the most difficult.

He asked me, "In what state of mind do you find yourself most often during the day?"

I stared at him, waiting. "Isn't this multiple choice," I asked.

He laughed. "Nope, I'll probe you further if needed."

Uh, no extra probing needed here. It took me a long time to respond - like maybe 2 minutes, which in a one-on-one setting can be a bit uncomfortable. JP just waited.

Finally I said, "Anxious. I spend most of my time on edge, up, down, worried. In fact, I worry about everything. I worry that my IVF cycles won't work. I worry that I'll get a divorce. I worry that I may never be the same again. I'm plagued with obsessive thoughts. My mind goes round and round and round."

I even admitted that I once was convinced I had HIV. I have to tell you - there was NO chance I had the disease, it was just the worst thing I could imagine happening. So for months before my pre-marriage blood test, I was certain that I would be HIV positive, my wedding would be canceled, my fiance would leave me, and I would eventually die a slow and lonely death. I must have sounded like a spaz, but that thought never crossed his face, if you know what I mean. I LOVED him!!! JP is my new hero.

The needles went in almost painlessly. I felt two of them for a couple of seconds in my left foot, but that's it. It did take me almost 20 minutes to fully relax though. I was very aware of my shallow breathing. JP said that can be normal, especially for someone who feels "anxious"often. He made a note to work with me on breathing exercises during our next appointment. I'll be going for treatments twice a week for the next couple of weeks. I'm hopeful that the state of calm I feel right now will only get better.

The only sucky thing about this night involved my DH. I wish I didn't feel such a nagging sensation that his selfishness will continue to be detrimental to our life together. I thought he would have been excited to hear about my 1st session, but instead I felt like a bother. He was watching Into the Wild on DVD and he had about 40 minutes to go. I asked if I could pause it, again with the thought that he'd want to hear at least some of my experience. When I did start talking, he kept looking over my shoulder at the pause button and the clock. I can't express into words how icky I feel when he dismisses me. I really don't even want anyone to comment on it. I just hope he one day realizes how hurtful it is. Eh, on the other hand, maybe I'm just super sensitive due to all of the Qi (chee) tapping that happened. I hope so.

And hey, maybe I only have room in my life for one man at a time anyway...