Yesterday my acupuncturist asked me how I was feeling about this cycle. I told him that I was trying to stay flatlined. He thinks that's the wrong approach. In typical hetero-male fashion, he compared an IVF cycle to the Superbowl. He said, "Erica, each team goes into the big game thinking and believing that they're going to win. They'd have no chance if they didn't believe in themselves."
Whereas I totally get what he was trying to say, and I appreciated his pep talk, I think an IVF cycle is more comparable to a game of Roulette.
You've got your black numbers and red numbers. And don't forget about the green 0 and 00 put in there to throw the odds in favor of the house. In fact, I'd like to think of the green 0 and 00 as the "We don't know why this didn't work. You had beautiful embryos," outcome.
Throughout this journey, I've always landed on black. Now, can it go red? Of course - and I'm going to hope like hell that it does this time. But, I can't ignore the many tables I've seen where it's landed black 9 times in a row. And that person who kept putting their money on red, because "it has to go red this time" loses it all. They're left feeling empty and wondering how it happened.
Yes, to me, an IVF cycle is much more like a game of Roulette. No amount of believing is gonna change where the little, white ball lands. It's a game of odds. It's a game of luck. It's a game of chance.C'mon red! C'mon red!
Thanks for all of your support. Update to follow on fertilization...
Hey Erica-
ReplyDeletesorry that you were disappointed with the total number, i won't even begin to give you a pep talk, cause personally it makes me crazy when people do it to me :) but I love your analogy of roulette!! I am praying for RED!!! Yeah, hetro guys and the superbowl....that really resonates with a woman, but i get what he was saying, it's just hard to go all out, or to use your analogy, to put it all on RED....here's to the gamble of TTC! praying that all 6 fertilize and grow big and strong.
So much of IF is getting let-down. I'm sorry you didn't get as many eggs as you were hoping for. All I can say is, you're doing great, Erica. Rest up for your ET!
ReplyDeleteC'mon, red!!
btw, it was CRAZY reading about how much your DH's numbers have fluctuated. MFI is weird and sucks.
6 isn't so bad. Promise.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, this is a huge gamble.
Holding my breath until the good fert report comes in.
Erica - glad you came out of retrieval okay. I hate pep talks myself but what I am about to say is a true story - - this guy I went to law school with - he and his wife had their retrieval the same day as my last one - they got two eggs, only one made it and she got pregnant. Yep. And she has an 8 wk u/s coming up.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping for a great fert report for you. Love the superbowl analogy - that is too freaking funny.
((HUGS))
Oh Erica...I'm happy for you and sad for you at the same time. I hope you don't feel too down about this but I know how you must be having a hard time.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about you and hoping that these are the only 6 you are going to ever need!
~nicole
Glad ER is over, sorry the results weren't what you wanted. Lets look forward to the fert report and expect some good news!
ReplyDeleteHey Sweetie! I am praying for a great fert report and that all 6 eggies were mature. Remember it is quality over quantity. Thanks for all of your support. I totally missed your entire cycle while I was away! Fingers crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteThats right- only takes one! Praying for your miracle!
ReplyDeleteI know that six is not what you wanted, but I think it sounds pretty good. Hopefully they are all mature and beautiful
ReplyDeleteI know 6 isn't what you were hoping for but I've never had more than 5 so it can still work! Try to relax and put your thoughts on Red!!
ReplyDeleteI guess I don't know that much about IVF (since I haven't had one...yet) but is 6 eggs bad? How many is good? I'm an idiot, but I'm thinking the "Octomom" had 6, right?! Maybe we'll be calling you "Octo-Erica..."
ReplyDeleteNo the house does not always win. So I am just going to make sure that all my prayers are directed to red coming up. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteThat guy falls under the mere male category..
ReplyDeletePraying for RED, RED, RED.
I'm holding on to my lucky rabbit foot, and crossing my fingers for red.....six sounds pretty good to me! I'm not going to give the, "It only takes one." speech....but it only takes one :)
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to hear about the fert report!!!
Oh sweetie I know very well how dissapointing this news is to you and I'm sorry. Go ahead and feel bad for a day if you want but then you need to focus your attention on your 6 ok? I'm hoping the magic egg(s) is in there. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteHey Erica,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you are disappointed with your numbers. I had 26 awesome follicles and they all sucked. I had 8 eggs and no embryos (apart from one crappy one).
So what i'm trying to say is that I truly believe that it is about quality and not quantity. As long as they are good eggs, you can make good embryos. As long as you have a good embryo you can make a good baby. See what I mean?
Hang in there, and just feel whatever you want to feel. If you want to be happy then do so, but it's ok to flatline too.
Big hugs - and Come On Embies!!
C xx
My best friend told me after my last cycle "I think we need to work on you being more optimistic!!!" What she doesn't understand (as many who haven't been through IF don't) is that when I have been optimistic the pain of disappointment is crushing at the end of the cycle. It feels like it's ultimately easier if I don't get my hopes up. Do you think that affects the outcome? I don't know....
ReplyDeleteTo echo what everyone else is saying, it is all about quality over quantity! After 13 days of stimulation, I only had 4 mature eggs. And even though I HATED the "it only takes one" speech when I was doing my own IVF, it really does only take one. One of my eggs was fertilized into an embryo that is now my one month old son. You can do this! Go red!
ReplyDeleteHey girl, I'm praying for those 6 embies! I know it's tough to stay positive when you had hoped for and prayed for more.....but you could have 6 absolute rockstars that were retrieved and that could be way more than enough. I am thinking of you- keep us updated!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to share with you my story. I have been ttc for almost 3 years. I have PCOS. Back in September of last year I started Follistim with timed intercourse. The first cycle I stimmed for 20 days! Low doses. I did not get pregnant that cycle. The next cycle I only stimmed for 11 days having 4 mature follies and became pregnant but had a miscarriage in January. I currently just did my first follistim cycle since the miscarriage. I only had one measly follicle mature so I counted this cycle out. I mean I know thats all it takes but after years of trying I felt like my odds are not good. Well guess what? I'm pregnant! So one is all it takes. Just pray and think postivie (easier said than done I know). It will happen!!
ReplyDeleteI love love love your roulette analogy! You could do everything right/wrong/in between and it still seems like a game of roulette! Screw those stupid superbowl analogies! Do whatever you need to do to get yourself through it.
ReplyDeletethis is a very well written and great post. I am very much wishing that the little white ball lands right where you want him too. Sending good baby vibes to you!
ReplyDelete