Two months ago, I put a book away on my shelf. I put it on the highest shelf out of my eye's view. I didn't want to read it ever again. I didn't want to think about pregnancy and all of its stages especially with multiples. I was in what the book calls Stage 2 - Denial. I experienced Stage 1 - Shock - pretty much from the get-go. But two months ago I was in serious denial. I had visions of what pregnancy would be like, if it ever happened for me, and it did NOT involve carrying two babies. Two babies are complicated. Two babies have many more risks. Two babies scared the living shit out of me...which just about brings me to my current state of mind - Stage 3 - Anxiety. Last night I pulled the book back off the shelf in a desperate attempt to ease my mind. Didn't work.
Right now I'm worried about several things but mostly that I will go into very early preterm labor and my babies will die. There. I wrote it. The sad thing is that I think a lot of my fears are stemming from blog reading. Let's face it girls, the easy pregnancy stories are NOT on my blog roll. They probably aren't on yours either. But I can't help but read them anyway. We are connected by two very strong threads. Infertility and an overwhelming desire to be a mother. The thing that I'm starting to realize though is that is where many of our similarities end. We've each traveled a unique road, some of us have reached the end, some are still stuck at a crossroads, and some are just beginning. We each are in this crap-ass category of "infertile" for different reasons. But to be completely honest, I've started to believe that your stories will become mine, and it's not the happy ending stories that I'm referring to. I find myself thinking that I "probably" have an insufficient cervix because a blog friend does. Or I'm going to end up on bedrest because a blog friend does. Or worse, I'm going to deliver so early that my babies don't make it, because I've read two blogs with that horrific outcome.
I don't know how to make the anxiety and the worrying go away. Maybe it never does entirely. I'm hoping that putting it all out into the blogosphere, actually typing my biggest fears, WILL help me to realize that what will be, will be. I'm not in control here. I never really was, despite what I like to believe at times. The odds are in my favor, not against me. Chances are I will have two healthy babies sometime around Christmas or New Year's. I'm trying to hold onto that thought, but I'm really struggling. Can't I just skip to the last stage - Acceptance?
Consumption 15
9 hours ago
Aw, Erica. I wish I had some words of wisdom here. Just know that we love you. If you need to take a blog break, we'll still love you. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's tough - I was in shock the moment we found out we were having twins. That was never in my plan either. I'd say to try and relax (stress isn't worth the worrying) but easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteThere's always some worry - when we got to a safe delivery point datwise, my fears of PTL turned into "how are we going to do this with two newborns?"
Do what you can - like you said a lot is out of our control. I wish I had blogged back then because there was a worry that things weren't going well and besides the doctors, I had no one to talk to who had been there or what in the world was going on.
You may have a great pregnancy - I know a twin-mom who did. You may have a few complications - if it's any help to balance out the fear of the worst possible outcome, after all the worry with me, I plugged away and the girls went home with us two days later, perfectly fine.
supposed to say "datewise"
ReplyDelete:P what no edit function on commenting? oh yeah that's what preview is for :)
I have been having some of the same feelings you are having so you are definitely not alone. You are right about a couple things for sure: 1) we are not in control and 2) we will probably have healthy babies after this. I have to continue to remind myself that the enemy is putting all of those negative thoughts in my head, and I need to stop reading depressing stories. Good luck looking to the positive!! :-)
ReplyDeleteSo I never commented before but I follow your blog...thanks for summing that up, its exactly how I feel. All my fears are stemming from what I read on other peoples blog and i have to keep telling myself just because its happenign to them doens't mean it will happen to me and my twins!!! Thanks so much
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness...this completely covers what I am feeling. I can't help but take everything I read and relate it to myself. And you are right, there are so many sad stories out there. My husband has told me I need to stop reading blogs, but I just can't....I'm compelled to check in on everyone.
ReplyDeleteThe second trimester has been filled with the most anxiety for me. I'm glad you wrote this, Erica. It's exactly how I feel.
You took the words right out of my mouth. Especially, since the doctor DID tell me I may have cervix issues. Now I'm so scared that I'm gonna have an incompetent cervix and something really bad is going to happen. After all, I've read about that happening.
ReplyDeleteAfter all we've been through, why can't we just have an uncomplicated pregnancy? I really wish I could just sit back and enjoy this.
:) i know how you feel. i have decided that i just can't read the blogs with less than desirable outcomes right now. i don't think my current stress level could handle it.
ReplyDeletekirke posted this week about trying to cognitively think about the positive aspects of pregnancy. i'm trying that. it's definitely crazy hard with twins. (i keep finding myself stressing about dumb stuff: will two cribs *fit* in the room? will we get car seats in time? this is all going to cost HOW much? etc) ...but i'm trying.
honestly, i felt better once i stopped reading those books :) i *did* finish them, but after they were all done i felt better: i knew what could happen, but now i could try to enjoy things a little bit!!
hang in there, girl :)
Erica- I just wrote a note to myself....and asked why can't this just be a worry free pregnancy....i don't think we are lucky enough to be there, but I am praying for you. Remember every day you are closer to your goal :) ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteMy SIL had her baby very early- 28 weeks(he is fine now by the way) but it has had me worrying daily about preterm labor, and I had to remind myself that I am NOT her, we have diff. issues!
ReplyDeleteHave you felt the babies yet? (I didn't until closer to 20 wks) that can be a daily comfort.
It is hard to remember that once we get this far(past 14 wks), things are supposed to go well. Odds are in our favor(rather than against). Anyway, sorry to ramble, but I know how you feel.
Erica I feel terrible for you. I'm so sorry to hear about all your anxiety. I think its normal but at the same time it can get out of hand, I completely know that! I don't know how to make it stop for you other than tell you that I'm praying so much for you guys, Honestly. I guess you just have to put your faith in God and hope for the best. Try your hardest to be the best place for them to grow, right there inside of you. Also that doctors and hospitals are so good about taking care of preemies god forbid they come early. But that may not even happen.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard and your fears aren't from any place but love. You love your babies and you want them healthy. All you can do is take it one day at a time. I think that's cheesey, but today was a good day. Your babies are doing well and you're able to be up and moving around. Today..all is well.
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
I can relate to this post in the IF sense -- I can be extra pessimistic about my IF because I read so many blogs with failed IVFs....how can I get pg with my first little IUI? Thanks for pointing out the person on your blogroll who DID get pregnant with an IUI. :)
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, friend.
I think we all know way too much about what can happen.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice to deal with the anxiety. Just know I am pulling for you and the babies.
I, too, felt shock from the get-go and I told DH this week after our u/s that I feel like I am in denial. The kind that knows we are pg with twins, but that I don't believe that I will have two healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy. I, too, have read too many stories on others' blogs and I am terrified that my babies will be born far too soon or that they will have chromosomal abnormalities or...and the the list could go on, really.
ReplyDeleteBut, you know what? Their stories are NOT your story. As you said yourself, our journeys have all been different...and so will our pregnancies. Twins are more complicated, but I also know women who have had great twin pregnancies and have delivered nice, healthy babies when they were intended to be born.
Hang in there! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am here right by your side to cheer you on and to go through a twin pregnancy with you:)
I feel the same way at times. I'm not pregnant yet but reading all the stories of my blog friends makes me wonder when the time comes and I do get pregnant again, will my baby even make it? I feel like there are more "horror" stories than "success" stories! Something I realized is were not all the same! Our stories are all different and yours my friend is different, your two babies will make it! Hang in there sweetie, I'm praying for your two little babies! I love the ticker...I can't believe they are 17 weeks now. I remember reading your blogs long before they were created. Not all blogs are scary, yours gives me so much hope!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the house!
babyparamore.blogspot.com
New lurker and reader here....but I wanted to chime in and give you a link to a blog who had a great twin pregnancy:
ReplyDeletehttp://2girlsandtheirfamily.blogspot.com/
Yes, there are always things that can go wrong and I am fearful of that myself. But mostly I try not to dwell on that and think positive (easier said than done). In the end, you can only do what you can control. So as long as you are being the healthiest pregnant lady you can be, then that's the best there is.
Looking forward to following the rest of your beautiful journey.
Oh hun, it is so hard with all that you've been dealt. I have a few friends on the IF forum who are PG now after years of IF and they have shared the same feelings....1 is due in 25 days, the other has 2 months left....and they have both shared these feelings recently, that far along in their pregnancy...just try to take it day-by-day. You said it yourself, everyone's story is unique.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the house!!!
Erica - not sure if you saw my update - but I found out that surprise there are two in here! I am still in shock. I too have fears just like you. One of my IRL friends lost her twin boys at 20 weeks from an incompetent cervix.
ReplyDeleteI have decided that I am going to be a neurotic pushy patient - I am going to insist on seeing a MFM, on being seen as often as I need. I guess it is that desire to be in control - even though I am not either.
Also, Jill, at anotherdayinparadise on my blogroll just had really healthy twin boys. I hope that is us.
((HUGS))
I'm so sorry that all you've been through is keeping you scared of you could go through! IF really robs infertiles of the joys of pregnancy when we finally do get there. If the blogs make it hard, don't read 'em for a while! Give your mind a break, be at peace. Everyone will still be here in one way or another when you're ready to read again!
ReplyDeletePlease keep "talking" about it--either here or IRL. I do think that will help you. Selfishly, I'd like you to talk here (whether about that or something else) just b/c I like knowing what's going on with you, but however you need it :). Either way, we'll be here when you're ready to blog. Hugs aplenty.
ReplyDeleteHello:) I've been following you for awhile and am SO excited for you:) I wanted to share my "story" with you. It was not always easy-it's true, but as you know the best things in life aren't:) You and your babies will be fine! Modern medicine is a wonderful thing and they will take care of you. Try to enjoy this time...it's fleeting.
ReplyDeletehttp://mommyofklaireandgrace.blogspot.com/2006/12/day-we-found-out.html
Erika