My thoughts have been scattered and definitely UP and DOWN over the past couple of weeks. Most days I feel very fragmented - so I'm gonna spill out the shit that's been on my mind in four little snippets.
My boobs are freaking me OUT!!! Honestly, if my nipples were any darker, they'd be black - totally black. WTF is that about? Not to mention the fact that they are so goddamn sore, it hurts to even put on and take off my bra. I'd go bra-less if it weren't for the freakishly dark nips. They're also getting bigger - hooray! Except that I think I prefer barely B me. I don't know how women deal with big boobs. They're kinda annoying and they make me feel bigger than I actually am. This is all very ironic because I couldn't wait to grow boobies when I got pregnant, and here I am...whining about them. It doesn't help that my DH is always groping them - he now calls me Porn Star Tits. Nice. I wake up each morning to a substantial size squeeze and pretty much have to watch out for his go-go gadget hands all day long! Seriously, they are so sore, I imagine it would be like a man having to walk around with his balls on his chest. I can't seem to make DH understand this. Suggestions?
I've had a chest cold for 5 weeks. I'm not really taking any meds (even though I can) 'cause I'm afraid it will hurt the babies. So instead I wake up each morning, hack up for a few minutes, gag, hack up again, and start my day. DH suggested that maybe this wasn't a cold - maybe it was some sort of allergy. Is it possible to get a new allergy during pregnancy? Like maybe a milk allergy or something? The hacking is WAY worse after I ingest dairy.
I've been very moody lately and have wanted to avoid my family. I don't know why. I feel very guilty about it, especially the way I've been treating my mom. She was my biggest supporter (aside from DH) during my years of IF and now I feel like she is aggravating me with her talk of babies. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I've tried SO HARD for this and have waited so long and now I have it and I'm not feeling elated. In fact, I like to NOT talk about being pregnant OR the actual babies I'm growing inside of me. It annoys me when my mom gets excited. WHY?!?!? Someone out there help me with this. Is it because I'm scared shitless? I read enough blogs to know that just because I'm 13 weeks doesn't mean I'll have healthy babies at the end of this - am I being too guarded? Or is it that I don't feel excited because I feel like I worked really fucking hard to get here and I deserve the payoff? (I know how messed up that one sounds - especially if you're reading this and still TTC - and I'm sorry.) Did I tell you that my mom and mom-in-law already have the date in mind for my baby shower? It's probably the first weekend in October. My mom wants to have it early so that I'm totally prepared in case the little ones arrive sooner than expected. She told me yesterday that I'd have to begin registering at the end of August. The girl inside of me SCREAMED!!!! "I'm not ready to think about this," I said to her. "You don't understand. It took me so long to get here, it's like I can't help but think the other shoe can drop." She replied with, "Don't tell me I don't understand. I know what you went through. I was there for it." Honestly, I'm hurting her feelings! But I can't do the whole excited thing. Maybe when I get to 8 months and I know that if the babies are born, they'll make it...maybe then, I'll believe this is real. I really need some help on this one - anyone ever feel the same way?
My girlfriend, F, had her baby yesterday. I wrote about her pregnancy complaining in an older post. Ironically enough, she used to complain about her big boobs all the time and it pissed me off like nothing else! Funny, I get it now. :) Anyway, I visited her in the hospital yesterday and was holding her baby boy. He is precious to say the least. The weird thing: as I was looking at him, F said, "Er, you're going to have two of these." And I didn't believe her. Don't get me wrong, the 15 lbs I've so gracefully added to my figure have let me know that I'm pregnant, but that real, live baby (ies) at the end...that I still don't believe. Do you think I'm normal? Am I being negative 'cause I don't feel negative about it. I just feel like I'm living someone else's dream. There are so many women out there suffering from IF, I was one of them, and they aren't pregnant yet. And I am. And it doesn't seem right. Sometimes (actually all the time) I think about how I felt before I was pregnant. I was trying to come to terms with the real possibility of adoption. I was grieving the loss of never having my own children, never knowing what it felt like to feel a child inside of me, and then it all changed. Just. Like. That. And now, I'm trying to come to terms with the reality that I may now get TWO babies! It's too much for my heart to bear, somedays. I feel so lucky and so fucking terrified at the same time. Why do some women get their happy ending and others don't? Maybe this is why it's easier for me to NOT think about it and just go along, each day, trying to eat a little healthier (and drinking more water than a camel). The universe is SO NOT FAIR! No wonder I think it's possible for the other shoe to drop. For so many of us, at different times, it always did.
Now that I've dumped all of that into the blogosphere, I'm going to go food shopping. I'm in the mood for some watermelon. And the bonus, I can "legally" park in the Parking With Child spots right in the front of the store. :)
Consumption 15
9 hours ago
I think everything you are feeling is normal. You have been IF for so long and had a hard journey getting here, it is hard to except and relax. You are always on gaurd incase anything happens, its normal, esp for IF women.
ReplyDeleteAs far as suggestions go with DH and boobs, I would just squeeze his balls very hard everytime he squeezes you, he will soon get the message it hurts. If that doesnt work next trick is knee him in the balls or elbow him in the ribs! Lol!
Erica, I have had the same feelings. I've totally avoided my family lately too and I've felt horrilble about it. I just still don't feel like I'm having a baby and people are driving me nuts.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear your feeling this way. I understand exactly what your going through. I am no therapist or anything but I think its the fear of the end of this pregnancy ending in any way that doesn't involve two healthy babies.
ReplyDeleteI am still scared to death also for mine. But at the same time I try to be naive and not think about the bad. I still have breakdowns but I feel like worrying about it won't change anything. I hope you figure out a way to enjoy your pregnancy a little bit more. It truly is an amazing time and you should be able to enjoy it. (While still having the worries tucked away).
You worked too damn hard to be able to experience this and not try to enjoy it.
I hope things get better.
This is EXACTLY how I feel!! I hate seeing my in-laws because they always want to plan and talk about the baby, and I'm still just trying to make it through each day, and then each week...I'm not able to picture the end. I know there is no guarantee of a happy ending.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about the boobs. I was so excited at the thought of getting them (I was a barely B), but now they just kind of make me feel fat. C. wants to spend some quality time with them, but they hurt so I'm constantly swatting his hands.
Next week is my 21-week u/s...maybe after that it will feel a little more real :)
Glad you posted...I was wondering how you were doing!!
E, honestly, everything you said sounded so incredibly honest and normal. Normal in the way that most people never talk about. I imagine that a lot of women who never experience IF also deal with some of these less than stellar moments of pregnancy, but our culture is so stuck on the perfect ideal picture of pregnancy and motherhood that there is just no space to talk about that...
ReplyDeleteI imagine that it might be hard for some to read what you wrote, if they're still in the struggle, still TTC (I'm out of the game for now), but I think it's good to know that the grass is not necessarily greener on "the other side." Just as we know that that double pink line does not necessarily lead to a live baby, being pregnant is not all maternal glow and baby showers.
I hope that as every day, every week passes, that your fear will subside a little, and that you will be able to enjoy this a little bit more and more. I hope that you can take your experiences and use them to frame this time to appreciate it in a different way, and not just think "it's not fair" or "it could all end tomorrow." I mostly just hope that you feel better.
I'm so glad you posted.
erica- It sounds like you are feeling normal IF feelings....we have all learned the hard way that a positive prenancy test or heartbeats on the US don't always equal a baby to take home.....I am praying that you start to feel more confident as you move forward.....even though your mom was by your side, she did not experience it so for her to say she knows is wrong....I am sure you love her, but she is wrong, she has not personally experienced it.
ReplyDeletesending you a big hug!
I am 13 weeks too (only one though!) and your post could have come out of my mouth. I completely understand how you feel. My friends and family are getting to a place of assuming THIS IS IT, they finally did it, WOOHOO! And I am still what my husband calls cautiously optimistic. Happy but not elated and definitely not ready to start planning the showers and registering for baby stuff. Doesn't quite seem real. I think its okay that we feel that way. If your heart is anything like mine, its taken a beating. Its probably instinctive to want to protect it. I just try to really enjoy the great moments - ultrasounds, hearing the heartbeat - I mean REALLY feeling them and enjoying them. And hopefully, the farther along we get, the easier it will be be, the more moments there will be to enjoy and make it seem real.
ReplyDeleteOh hon, I'm so glad you posted... I was wondering how you were.
ReplyDeletePlease don't be so hard on yourself. Everything you have described is normal, I think, especially when you have worked so hard to get here (and yes, damn it, you deserve the payoff!). Anxiety combined with the whacked out hormones of the first trimester can turn even the most 'sunshine and rainbows' person into a mess.
I think a couple of conversations aare in order fo you... one with you mom, letting her know how much you love that she's excited, but you are not there yet. You aren't asking her to stop being excited, just to tone it down a bit. The second, with your dh... He needs to grab a big ol' clue and leave your boobs alone. With my first pregnancy I had to do the 'grab him in his happy place' thing to make my point, but it worked.
Sending prayers for peace for your heart and mind, and that you will feel strong movement soon and often to help ease your fears.
Okay I don't have any advice. Sorry. But I did want to ask about the acupuncture. First, I don't have a clue when you start that or how much it costs. Second, I'm not sure that I can even DO that. I freak out about anything bigger than a butterfly needle. email me at Annaboo728@aol.com
ReplyDeletei feel the same way. if you don't get excited and attached, maybe it won't hurt as much if something happens? that is why i am guessing i have not gotten excited yet. i'm trying. it's just so hard given all that we have been through.
ReplyDeletestill feelin ok, besides the sore bbs??? :) xoxo
I am sure that this is completely normal - your honesty is refreshing. There are probably so many way and are unable or unwilling to share so bravely.
ReplyDeleteJust do and be what you need.
((HUGS))
(((hugs))) I have no advice, obviously, but want to send a big ol' hug out to you.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing just fine! Your feelings are normal, all is well! As far as the boobs getting bigger and DH grabbing them all the time, I always smacked my husband when he copped a feel. OMG it hurt SO bad! I get that guys like big boobs and if they didn't hurt, he could play with them but THEY DO so NO you stay away! ;o)
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
I haven't made it there yet, but I think your feelings and fears are very normal! I don't have any helpful suggestions, but your boobie/nipple porn star tits story really cracked me up!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but I couldn't help but laugh in some parts of this post.
ReplyDeleteBig boobs? I have those now, well a c cup anyway. They use to be small b's before I got fat...fat for no reason. Lucky you!
Anyhow thanks for sharing your frustration, I appreciate hearing the highs and lows. I understand the dropping shoe thing. Everytime I fricken get my period, irregular period, my hopes come crashing down! Time and time again!!
So that now I feel like when/if it actually happens I won't believe and I'll treat the babies as if they weren't even there. Going day by day eating, drinking...thinking I'll kill them anyway, they'll die so why not do 500 ab crunches or take all those vitamins. I mean heck if they'll make me feel better why not? right?!?! ha!
I understand the shocking discontent :|
I so feel you on the boob issues. My nipples are huge and strangely dark. My husband knows better than to touch them though! They hurt!
ReplyDeleteI can hardly stand to speak to my mother, she just drives me crazy. I think it is just normal hormonal crap.
I can so relate to the whole not wanting to talk about the pregnancy thing and being annoyed by family members who ONLY want to talk about it. That's how I spent my entire first trimester and the beginning part of my second trimester as well. And I really do think it's because, like you said, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was guarded and cautious; it all felt too good to be true. I think that's what infertility does to you. I am just now, at 20 weeks, allowing myself to talk about and enjoy this pregnancy. You'll get there too.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post myself! I am also pregnant with twins after three years of IF. One moment I am elated and over-joyed, the next I am terrified and worried that something bad is going to happen to these babies.
ReplyDeleteI always tell my mom that hopefully I will have two, healthy babies in January. She responds by saying that I am negative. I get so upset with her because I don't feel I am being negative, I feel like I am being a realist.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am right there with you. I get this post completely!
I am also thinking that we will not be doing the NT scan either. Do you have any thoughts you could share with me on this? I don't know a whole ton about it but it seems like a lot of people get false positives. If you have any thoughts, please leave a comment on my blog:)
Thanks!
Kris
Thank you so much for checking in! You gave me the kick in the a** that I needed to post an update!
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited for you and I know everything you are feeling is normal so don't worry!
tagged you on my blog!
ReplyDeleteHey Erica - just checking in on you.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're pregnant you don't get new allergies, you just get congestion. It's weird, I was congested the entire 9 months. And the hormones totally screw with you. They make you irrational, and irritated over the dumbest things. Completely normal even if you did not experience IF or preggo with a singleton, so certainly pregnant with twins after years of IF would mean you have double hormones, and a difficult road that means your are going to feel so off. Hang in there. As you knwo it is worth it, but I know I was so surprised that pregnancy was so hard, and I freaked out that I even thought about giving the baby to my sister-in-law thinking I had gotten myself in over my head. This all from someone who had wanted kids for my entire life and cried just in waiting to be able to ttc a child. Now she is here, 2 years old, and you will be so happy. Like I said, hang in there! You are normal.
ReplyDeleteMelissa
as a gal with huge boobs I agree- they get in the way, and definately make you feel bigger than you are. :) Found your blog through many many clicks...I don't even remember how. :)
ReplyDelete