I know, I know...two posts in one night - I should be in bed by now, but I've got to get this off my chest.
I feel like a total fraud. A fellow IFer, coworker, IRL/bloggy friend wrote a post about her feelings after she conceived. At the time, I thought it was a well-written post and from the heart. But I didn't get it. I actually felt that maybe she wrote it to try and still "fit in" with the infertiles. I realize how fucked up this sounds now, but I had MANY screwy thoughts while I was in the midst of TTC. I don't think I, or anyone involved in IF treatments, can be held responsible for our actions or thoughts during those times though. A court would be likely to find us temporarily insane. Okay, I'm getting off topic. Sorry.
My point is that I do understand what she was saying now. Two distinct situations presented themselves to me today and feelings of utter confusion and awkwardness are all that I'm left with. The first thing that happened was a retired coworker and dear friend came to visit during my lunch hour. She bought me a beautiful "Congratulations" card and a Willow Tree angel - you know which one I'm talking about - yep, the pregnant one. The one I couldn't wait to put on my shelf. The one that I hugged her for, showed to my DH when I came home, and then neatly tucked away back into the box. I don't want to take it out yet. I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I will in a few more weeks.
The second situation I brought on myself. DH and I went to Barnes and N.oble so I could buy the Wh.at To Ex.pect When You're Expec.ting book. Funny thing...I went to the Pregnancy and Child Care section and all of a sudden felt like I couldn't breathe. I was totally NOT expecting that to happen. I had felt pretty psyched to purchase this book. Unfortunately, the nasty little bitch that lives in my head decided to have a running dialogue along the lines of: What are you doing here, Er. You're not like those fertile girls who get pregnant and are just bursting with joy. You're waiting with bated breath between each blood draw. You're wondering what, if anything, will even be seen on next week's ultrasound. You feel your breasts at least 200 times a day, just to see if they still hurt. And you're going to buy THIS book? Fool. I listened to her. I couldn't buy the book. Maybe I will after the u/s.
I'm left wondering, why hasn't anyone written a book about Pregnancy AFTER Infertility? Where is THAT book? Because I'm not interested in reading some sugary sweet, cheerleader version of what to expect when I'm "expecting." I want to read something REAL! I don't want to read a book that uses the phrase, "mommy-to-be." I don't want to read a book by someone who has no idea the pain and fear I've felt and still feel. Fuck that! I want to know that I'm not crazy for thinking that every cramp is a miscarriage. I want to know that I'm not weird or obsessive for checking 8 different websites on betas, trying to determine whether or not mine is "normal." I want to read about women who fought like hell for their children BEFORE they even met them. Where is THAT book?
I know there will come a point when I'll be joyous. But infertility has robbed me of that initial feeling of happiness. I feel more like I'm in purgatory. Not in hell, but I sure ain't in heaven. Not yet.
When does it become real?
Consumption 15
9 hours ago
I don't know where that book is...but I promise you this. If I get pregnant after this infertility...I will totally write you that book. It's a deal.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate. I guess all of our blogs ARE the book you're looking for. I can read people who are a few weeks, months or years ahead of me after a similar IF battle and have some idea of how I will feel. Murgdan, we're going to hold you to your comment above, by the way.
ReplyDeleteFour years ago in my naivete I bought that other book you mentioned, and there are parts that are torture to read as an infertile. Just buy it whenever you feel comfortable, it's completely fine to be scared and unsure right now. Plus, you'll probably get five copies handed to you once you start telling friends and family!
I know how you feel (as does every other woman who has gotten pregnant from IVF). I also had a hard time at first accepting the joy of the pregnancy. I kept waiting for something bad to happen. Personally, I started feeling better and getting excited after I saw that heartbeat at 6 weeks, 2 days. And then I eased into being a fairly happy pregnant woman after the first trimester was over because I knew the chances of miscarriage decreased dramatically at that point. Hopefully, you'll start feeling better and better as each blood draw and each scan shows you that your baby is doing fine! I've got my fingers and toes crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteThat book definitely needs to be written. I am SO with you. Purgatory is a great way to describe it. I just found out last week that I am pregnant too. Trying to hold it all together. Its not easy.
ReplyDeleteI cant relate, but I am so feeling for you right now.
ReplyDeleteIt must be such an extordinary feeling to be pregnant after every thing you've been through...
What I will say, is don't let anyone tell you how your meant to feel about what your going through.
You will feel, how you need to feel.. that's what will help you cope.
Thinking of you and hope your feeling better soon.
Hey sweetie,
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have never been pregnant, I think I can imagine how it must feel to finally fall pregnant after TTC for so long. It is as though the joy that you expect to feel is robbed from all the traumas you went through. I hope that you can start to relax and enjoy your pregnancy. x
This is a great post. You really brought home to me how difficult making that transition is, from TTCer to finally pregnant. It's almost like once you're pregnant you're expected just to blend in with all the other pregnant women and forget about the agonizing journey you've been on to get there.... which is impossible and nor should u forget it. That's why the book you speak of, needs to be written.
ReplyDeleteHi Erica-
ReplyDeleteWhile I know that feeling you feel, I felt it with the secound two BFPs, but I went and bought "the book" with my first pregnancy that ended in my 10th week. I don't know if I will ever open again. hmmmm....maybe that is a future post for me, when I am PG with a sticky baby.
I am praying for you, for a strong healthy heartbeat next week. ((hugs))
1) You are not weird
ReplyDelete2) You are not obsessive
3) Everything you just wrote is totally normal (at least I think so) for a pregnant infertile to think.
I think it gets easier in baby steps and, honestly, 8 days from my due date, there are still moments of not believing it or that horrible feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It gets a lot easier with time and doctors repeatedly telling you that everything looks good. Hang in there :)
I still haven't been able to buy what to expect.....which is amazing to me, because before I would glance at it longingly every weekend at Tar.get. Now I try to gear myself up...."This is the Saturday!" but it still isn't on my shelf. I totally get what you are saying.......
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for your u/s next week!!
Wow, what a wonderful, honest post. I think about that often, and know that when I finally get pregnant, I'll be right there with you. Just take it a day at a time, and enjoy it as you can. We're all rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing post. I was in the IF struggle for a while and never got even CLOSE to pregnant, but everything you wrote sounds totally right and like what I think I would probably have felt if I had. Your feelings sound totally normal to me, it's just that you're holding yourself up against the "norm", which as we all know, we are not.
ReplyDeleteAnd I would totally buy and read Murgdan's book.
I know I will be the exact same way if I ever get pregnant. We can't really relax and enjoy our pregnancies like the fertile people. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
ReplyDeleteLet me know if you ever find that book. I'll buy it for sure.
Its definitely a book that should be written, maybe one day someone will decide to write one!
ReplyDeleteOh I feel like it never becomes real. I wish that someone would go out and write a book like you said a book about a girl with fertility problems whatever they may be that gets pregnant, has suffered miscarriages and is now pregnant again. How to deal, what to expect. That would be so great. But no, its not out there. (that I know of). Anyways my point is, that no matter how far you get I feel like as far as I'm concerned you will always feel terrified excitement.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad about putting the angel back in the box. I think its normal behavior considering! If it makes you feel any better my best friend gave me a picture that said "the world is full of miracles" its for the baby's room. I MADE her keep it until I was out of my first tri-mester because I was so scared to take it home. I know exactly how you feel!
It's a hard road we follow. All three times I've (briefly) gotten pregnant I've felt the same way. What is going to go wrong? Don't say congratulations to me...this won't last. What is this pain I'm feeling? Maybe I should go to the bathroom and check, again.
ReplyDeleteThey can call the book 'taking charge of your anxiety during pregnancy after IF.'
I'd buy it.
You'll buy it when you want to buy it. I think you are acting totally normal. I hope someone buys it for you and drops it off.
ReplyDeleteand tell that voice that you don't like her coming around here. the babies need positive energy and she's a cruel downer.
I loved this post, and although I have never been pregnant, felt like I could relate so much to it. (is that possible?? lol) I loved the purgatory analogy. I hope with all my heart that you get to 'be in heaven' while pregnant. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI totally hear what you're saying. My second pregnancy was like that. I had bought the books during the first go round, but it was impossible for me to even pick them up the second time around. I put on a brave face for my friends and family who were ecstatic, but inside I was an absolute wreck. Fear and worry, after the road we've all been on, are completely normal, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. ((prayers & hugs))
ReplyDeleteYou are singing my song.
ReplyDeletePregnancy after IF/loss is a totally different animal.
I'm 35 weeks. I still feel overwhelmed and do not believe *I* actually get to take a baby home. Every time I look at my husband I think, he is going to be a dad? No, that was just not in the cards for us.
I agree, I need that book desperately.
I hope heaven is just around the corner for you.
ReplyDeleteIt is so unfair that pregnancy after IF and loss is not the "glowing" experience that fertiles get to have. Hope that there is more good news to come to ease your fears.
just catching up....i know how you feel. i just bought some books this past week. mostly b/c i was feeling weird about not really having much info but also b/c b was wondering what the hell was going on...and i couldn't explain it in non medical terms. i did go to a few different stores on several occasions, though, and still never bought one. i ended up coming home to amazon. whatev. maybe it will get easier someday!
ReplyDeleteI love this post.
ReplyDeleteI am with Murgdan. I will write THAT book after I become pregnant. I don't know why authors who write IF books stop the story after, "we got pregnant." The story doesn't stop.
Hope all is well.
Erica - thank you for letting me into your world for the past hour... I have been reading your posts, crying, shaking my head in agreement at times and just amazed at your way to put in words what few people would dare say. I will be hoping and praying that this is it for you, I know its hard to be positive (i have similiar rant in my lame blog about our second loss) so while I understand why you cant be as positive as you would like right now, I will do it for you!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, there does not seem to be any "pregnant after infertility" books. I found one on parenting after infertility, but that feels even more presumptuous for me to buy right now than the WTE book.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure when it becomes real. I feel a long way off from real.
Good luck with the ultrasound! When is it?
That was a grea post.. i can totally relate. i am an infertile with success. and i still feel bitter at friends that get pregnant without any problem and i cant. i now have everyone asking me to have another and i just dont know if i am ready i am scared to death to enter the emotional roller coaster of ttc again.
ReplyDeleteEr...that is my next book :-) But it is being written right now and will not be out until long after you're holding your child. But hang in there--pg after IF is a completely different world and one where I hope you find your peace of heart.
ReplyDeleteI can't relate, because I haven't been there (yet.) I do think this is a very well written post. Hopefully you'll feel more comfortable with it after your u/s :)
ReplyDeleteI wanted to write that book, and instead ended up here in the blogosphere! I was so disappointed with all the pregnancy books, because they were completely idealized. Where is the REAL information - that getting pregnant is not easy, that carrying a child to term and bringing it home is not a given once you get a positive test, that once you get the child home you will be overwhelmed and feel like you're totally incompetent (and you will feel that way, but you won't actually be that way)? Why sugarcoat this stuff? Women should really have better access to all the information.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, and good luck. Maybe around the 39th week, you'll start feeling like it's going to happen.
I remember when I was about 20 weeks pregnant with my daughter, a coworker asked me when I would be able to stop worrying about complications. My answer? I don't know, when the kid graduates from college, maybe? It must be nice to be naive like that.
Anyway,
Here from LFCA/Kirtsy. Congratulations on your impending arrival!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. Like a fraud. Just when you think you're starting to feel like a normal pregnant woman, you're reminded that your journey has been different than many of the other women out there. Or has it? I always wonder what road each pregnant woman that I see has taken.
If it brings you any peace, I'm 31 weeks pregnant and have just started in the past few weeks to accept and believe that this is really happening to me. Sure, I still check the toilet paper every time I wipe. Yes, I'm pretty anal about how often I feel the baby move. But, I'm finally to the point where I know the baby has a strong chance at survival if it were to be born now. I think that was the turning point for me. Everyone is different and your time will come. Breathe and believe! Oh, and welcome to the pregnant after infertility club.
Best of luck to you!
For me it started to become real around the 11th week. In the beginning I was like you, paranoid and afraid of everything - rolling with it and happy, but by no means "bursting" or even willing to admit this might actually happen. I'm at 13.5 weeks now and I'm startign to feel more confident slowly. I'm still the farthest thing from "bursting" you'll ever find, but I am happy, and now only every SECOND cramp makes me think dead baby thoughts...
ReplyDeleteInfertility really takes it out of you. It's not the same.
Hi! I just found your blog today, and I had to tell you that I can totally relate. After four years of infertility, I'm finally pregnant. I'll be 15 weeks on Friday. And I have yet to be totally overjoyed and jumping up and down and glowing and all that shit. I'm just kinda grumpy. I get annoyed when people (*ahem* my mom) draw attention to my pregnancy or talk about the baby. Mother's Day was TOTALLY WEIRD for me. I was expected to be excited. I wasn't. I think I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, just like you. And if I dare complain about my back hurting or being queasy, I get the universal, "Aw, but it's ALL worth it." Of course it's all fucking worth it. Did I SAY it wasn't worth it? No. But that doesn't make almost puking when I brush my teeth any more fun.
ReplyDeleteI have a blog, too, about our infertility journey if you care to read it. I think you can just clik on my name, but just in case, I'll put the link here:
http://pursuitofbaby.blogspot.com
Hi. I, too, came over from LFCA, and ... yeah. You've described it perfectly. FWIW I'm now a mom to a 2 y.o. who resulted from IVF #4 (or #6, or #8, depending what you count...), and I can report that 2 years in, I think I'm mostly calm about being a mom (though I did joke when I was PG that one can relax only once the "child" gets into a good law school).
ReplyDeleteThat said, I had the books, but I didn't read ahead by more than 1 week at any point in my PG. I had a doppler I could use to hear the h/b at home (bought on ebay) from about 12w, and used it daily (I am not kidding). I relaxed some after we reached the second trimester, and more at viability, but mostly once he was in my arms. That said, and oddly, there was much I enjoyed about being pregnant, anxiety notwithstanding.
Hang in there, and as with infertility, do what you need to to cope.
Oh, I bought virtually no baby stuff before he came home (though I did own the basics -- thanks to a shower held in trimester #3). That worked out fine. Really, it's OK to be anxious and to do what you need to to stay sane.
Here from LFCA...
ReplyDeleteI vacillate between believing this is happening and thinking it just can't finally be true and that my babies must be dead. The ratio has gotten better as the weeks have gone on, but I don't know if it will ever be 100% belief until the babies are actually here.
By the way, What to Expect is the worst book! Yesterday at my MFM appointment they literally told me to throw the book away (luckily I have 15 others). When you're ready to make your purchase, let me know and I'll give you some recommendations.
Just cruised in from Kirsty. You are not alone. I felt like that through much of my pregnancy. It's very sad that we can't feel the joy that other pg women can. I was envious of them. I was always waiting for something bad to happen. It did get better the further along I was. But I wish I could do those first months again.
ReplyDeleteNow my daughter is six. Where did the time go?!
Good luck and enjoy your baby!
So well said - I wish I could have read this post when I was in your position and feeling EXACTLY the same in every way, so good to know that other people feel this way and I am not paranoid/ negative etc, just a subfertile woman who got damn lucky with the amazing process that is ivf! I am now 14 weeks along with what all the health professionals I have seen tell me is a great looking healthy baby and although I have relaxed a little bit and am starting to feel like I hold my healthy baby in my arms in November I also have vivid nightmares almost every night of some kind of searing and heart breaking loss. Why??! Thanks for blogging and wishing you so much luck for your pregnancy and the amazing children I have no doubt you will have.
ReplyDeleteThis is only semi related, but I am a bookseller and actually hate that book. There is a really good one called From the Hips that you might like.
ReplyDelete