Reality Bites

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mother. It's the only thing I ever really knew I wanted. I never gave much consideration to my career - just the idea of being married and having babies. (I do realize this takes feminism back a step...) But, it's what I wanted.

However, after struggling for quite some time in marriage, and now with the realization that my husband and I probably won't ever conceive naturally, I've come to accept that I was going through life with what I call the "Disney" dream. You know what I'm talking about - happily ever after and all of that so-called bullshit that little girls are dealt. I don't want to pick a fight with Cinderella or Snow White (I love the princesses just as much as the next girl) but do we really need to inundate society with the false idea that you get married and life continues without a care in the world?

It's been two and half years since infertility knock, knock, knocked on my door. Thirty devastating periods, each one more upsetting than the previous. I've had to fake happiness 9 times for the so-called answered prayers of those I love. I've attended their baby showers, with more on the way, and each time it feels like a sucker punch in the gut. Why me? Why isn't God answering MY prayers? Am I not "supposed" to be a mom? Why me? Why me? Why me?

Like I said, I was foolish to believe that good things happened to good people. Because the truth is bad things happen to good people all the time. A good friend once asked me: "Do you think you deserve more happiness because you're young and kind?" Gulp. It was then that my eyes were opened and I began to realize the true heartbreak that exists in this world. No one is promised anything, not even the good. What was I thinking???